Ejruane's Shitcoms

French Fields

Staggeringly unfunny script delivered by staggeringly unfunny cunts (Anton Rodgers!!!???) I read a review that said "French Fields" was something of a disappointment after the highs of "Fresh Fields", but nonetheless attracted a sizeable audience". I should repeat that - "The HIGHS of Fresh Fields"!!!

Julia McKenzie - half man, half owl

Mind Your Language

42 episodes (4 series) out of just one (ONE!!!) lame, worn out, tired, goosed, unfunny-as-fuck, xenophobic gag.

Not On Your Nellie

Question: Did Nellie Pledge marry, or is Nellie Pickersgill supposed to be a different character? Set in a pub in London and featuring characters so ludicrously none-dimensional that, by comparison, John Inman seemed to have studied under (oo-er) Lee Strasberg. Sadly there was no part in this for Joe 'GGGGITE-OH MIKKKSS NELLEH" Gladwin (former head of the Catholic actors' union my late mother reckoned). Knock-kneed knackered old nosebag indeed.

Hilda Baker and Jimmy Jewell - the Liz Taylor and Dick Burton of Granada's light entertainment division

Terry and June

I remember seeing a docco (not sure what) in the 70's that showed Terry Scott in a caravan, being given 300 cash for opening a 'Garden Fete' in Sussex. When he realised he was being filmed he went fucking nuts. The only funny thing I've ever seen involving him. Terry and June - anti comedy.

Health freak Scott ran Marathons right up to his unexpected death. Sorry, that should be ate Marathons right up to his untimely death.

Up the Elephant and Round The Castle

The title reminds me of when Alan Partridge said to the BBC feller "A Partridge among the Pigeons". When the feller asks him what it was he said "Well...it's just a title". Shame this shite didn't stay 'just a title'. Let's face it, there are men and women who are never going to make you laugh, because they're putrid, hateful and venal. Pol Pot, Adolf Hitler, Derek Nimmo (doing his Liverpool accent) and right at the top of that list, sly-eyed, wife-beating racist cunt, Jim Davidson.

That Thing with Joe McGann

Don't know what it's called but I'm sure it got one of 'those' titles (ie: 'Roses on Mondays', 'Changing Seasons', 'My Better Half' etc) The plot is something about...erm he's a housekeeper and his tart is blonde and Honour Blackman is her mam and they live in one of those places that only exist in ITV sitcom-world and the kids have all got those bowl haircuts that were obviously considered 'cute' by some....cunt. Anyway having stitches put into your retina by an insane, alcoholic blind surgeon with the Hattie Jacques, would be 700 times more enjoyable than watching it.

"Gee - can I have a cookie, Uncle Joe McGann?" One of the really fucking ugly bowl headed kids from The Upper Hand turns American for no particular reason.

Rab C Nesbitt

Written presumably by Carla McLaine. I mean Fuck me, nine series and specials!? If you were from Glasgow, I imagine you would have been depressed to the point of planning a visit to Nooses-R-US (that was the effect Bread had on me). Jesus, imagine    the chance to produce a sitcom, having a look around the world and choosing as a target....working class Glaswegians. And not only that, but making the 'joke' that they drink too much and don't want to work. Cutting edge! Bet they pissed themselves in Beaulieu.

"Are you going to let us win this time?" Actor Gregor Fisher's one-man stage interpretation of First Blood: Part Two was just as contentious as the Stallone original.

On The Buses

You do a lot of growing up in a couple of years. In 1970 (I was 11) I remember WANTING to watch it; two years later it was depressing me to the point of making me almost suicidal. To be fair, the fact that it was school in the morning didn't help, but it wasn't JUST that. I started to realise that nearly spitting a ciggy out, while shouting "COR BLOIMEE!!" wasn't actually a punchline.

But it WAS in On The Buses....over and over and over. Joke - Girl wearing mini skirt and boots climbs up stairs of bus. Jack looks up and sees paisley-patterned knickers covering arse the size of Leeds. Ciggy-spit "COR BLOIMEE" (just as well I wasn't shaving and had access to razor blades).

London Weekend's popular sexual molestation comedy On the Buses.

Last Of The Summer Wine

I won't go into detail, but it is 100% true that if I were to hear two consecutive notes of the theme tune, it could start a depression that might take me years to pull out of.

Don't Drink The Water

I will simply tell you that 'Blakey' (off On The Buses) retires and goes to live in Spain with his sister (played by Pat Coombes - in the 1970's she was ITV's sitcom Meryl Streep)

Coombes to Blakey:

"You know that this flat is not big enough,
Not big enough for both of us,
This flat is not big enough,
Not big enough for both of us,
And I ain't gonna leave!"